How to share your fertility struggles with others and set healthy boundaries

When you’re struggling to conceive, the decision to share your journey and your pain with those around you is never taken lightly. We weigh up the pros and cons of revealing our truth or keeping it a secret.

If we tell people the truth, they may look at us with pity, decide to offer unsolicited (and often unhelpful) advice, or even brush us off. But at the other end of the scale, is when no-one knows what you’re truly going through. And I don’t mean just that you’re going through IVF, I mean the real struggles underneath the happy façade.

When they don’t understand why you can’t go to that baby shower, when they insist you remain part of the family group chat where they talk incessantly about your cousins recent pregnancy announcement, where your girlfriend keeps complaining to you how much she hates morning sickness, or when your mother-in-law keeps mentioning how much she’d like to be a grandmother.

Those are the times when it’s forced upon us to reveal the truth. That despite the fake smiles and lies, that you’re hurting. That every time you open that group chat, you end up in tears. Every time your friend complains, a little piece of you dies inside. When your mother-in-law talks about her friend’s grandchildren, that you’re showered in guilt.

Setting healthy boundaries is one of the most important things to do when we’re on our fertility journey. Not only just for self-preservation, but out of self-respect.

What we will and will not accept from those around us.

So how do you have “the chat”, without it ending in confrontation? How do you get your point across, without having regrets on what you did or didn’t say? Without worrying about offending someone and it ruining your relationship?

Here are some tips when you’re planning on having “the conversation” to help you through it -

1. Work out what your intention is by having the talk. What are you trying to achieve? What is the result? If you’re chasing an apology, you may need to rethink your strategy. Because you’re relying on them doing or saying something. And we can never control what other people do or say. When the result we’re seeking is connected to something we cannot control, we hand over our power. It means that we’re no longer in control, which can make the discussion quite nerve wracking. Because we have no idea what to expect. And on this journey, where we’ve already released control of the outcome, we need to hold onto as much control as we can. If your intention however is to communicate how their behavior makes you feel, or to set some ground rules around what you expect from them, that’s awesome.

2. How do you want to feel afterward? This is an important one in order to set your expectations. Do you want to feel a release or like a weight is lifted off your shoulders? If that’s the case, what do you need to communicate in order for you to feel that way? Remember, this feeling cannot be reliant on their reaction or their response, it needs to be a result of something that is in our control.

3. Preparation is KEY! Try not to wing it. What you’re going through and about to share is heart-rendering, and when we’re overcome with emotion, our intelligence decreases. That’s why when you’re having an emotionally charged argument with someone, you say things that you tend to regret. So, in order to minimize regrets and communicate exactly what you want to, without it getting heated, work out exactly what you want to say. What are the key points you’d like to get across? What are the possible responses or questions you think you’ll get? And prepare your own come-back. There is nothing worse than having an encounter and walking away, thinking that you should have said so much more (or so much less).

4. Make sure you put up a united front. If you’re having the discussion with your mother-in-law or another family member, you may want to ensure you and your partner are on the same page first. That way you can lean on each other and if you start to get upset or flustered, they can respond on your behalf. Plus, you’ll feel a little more relaxed knowing you have back-up.

5. Lead with compassion and love. Yes, your mother-in-law may be acting completely insensitive, and your friend who is complaining about her morning sickness may be ungrateful, but there is no need for you to go down to their level. Unless you’ve experience infertility yourself, you really have no idea what it’s like. And there is no need to punish them because they have no idea what you’re going through. You’re better than that.

Above all else, give yourself a little grace. Infertility is certainly one of the biggest things I’ve ever endured. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don’t. At times we say the right thing, and other times we end up crying in the corner. And that’s ok. You come first. And if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.