How to HEAL, feel good and start living in the NOW - despite struggling with infertility.
Last Friday night my husband and I went out for dinner to celebrate the submission of the manuscript for my book to my publisher. It was a cute little funky Japanese restaurant and we had a lovely time. I consumed more than my fair share of red wine, and on the way back home we got into an argument. It ended with him going to bed, and me sitting on the couch with another (unnecessary) glass of red wine, a bag of Doritos, in front of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” documentary. I woke up the next morning with a hangover.
Not my finest moment.
But we have them, right?! I’m going to own it, and I’m not going to punish myself for it.
Because I’m not perfect. I’m human. And so are you.
This is a hard concept to grasp because we’re conditioned to be better, do better, strive harder, and make it look easy in the process. We’re seeking perfection which doesn’t exist (except on Instagram and Pinterest).
And when you’re already struggling to be perfect, infertility – which is a messy shit fight of emotions, thoughts, IVF treatments, information and uncertainty, does nothing to help.
You don’t have to be perfect to get pregnant.
But we keep trying to make it fit that perfect picture, and punish ourselves when we don’t live up to the high expectations we hold for our life and ourselves.
The number of tantrums, arguments, negative thoughts and self-limiting beliefs I encountered on my 7-year fertility journey was astounding. And they were all mine. I punished myself every time I couldn’t be happy for a girlfriend who had just fallen pregnant. I felt guilty every time I lied to someone about why we didn’t have children. I felt weak every time I cried for our situation and questioned why this was happening to us.
I thought that if I was a better person, I wouldn’t feel like this.
If only I had been the person I am today, back then. It's not that I’m a better person now. But I have accepted that I don’t have to be perfect all the time. I have learned to forgive myself for all the times I lose my shit.
This isn’t an excuse for you to be a bad person. But you’re not bad. You’re a beautiful human.
And once you realise that, you’ll find it easier to start taking care of yourself and making yourself a priority…..without the guilt attached.
Because THAT is the secret to how you can feel good NOW despite being on the infertility rollercoaster.
To get you started down the right path, here are 3 things you need to incorporate into your day -
A morning routine or ritual. Your first waking minutes should be dedicated to you. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. Do the things that fulfill you and make you feel good. Create something that works for you, that includes movement, mindset, and a healthy breakfast. It doesn’t have to be complicated either. It could be as easy as putting one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly and thinking of all the little things you’re grateful for. What are you excited about today, and what is one thing you will do for yourself? It only has to take 5 minutes.
Look throughout your day for the positives – a green light, a good parking spot, sunshine through the clouds on a rainy day. Celebrate it. Don’t punish yourself for any negative thoughts that come up. We are designed to look for the danger and the negative – it’s a self-protection mechanism. So, acknowledge the negative thought, thank yourself for trying to protect you, and move on from it. We can’t usually control the first thought that comes up, but we can control the second one.
Nightly routine. Set some healthy boundaries for yourself – like a reasonable bed-time. Give yourself some space. Your nighttime routine is about celebrating you. Every single night tell yourself the things you’re proud of. Journal the good things that happened during the day. When you go to sleep feeling good, you will sleep so much better.
If you’d like to hear more on this topic, jump on over to Infertility Unfiltered, an interview series where fertility experts and warriors are joining forces to share facts, tips, lessons and inspiration – so you can take back control of your life, and get your baby on board.
I was honoured to host Petia Kolibova, a passionate coach and host of the Unapologetically Abundant Podcast which supports you to build the strong mindset and confidence to leave behind your past wounds, enjoy the present moment, and create the life you deserve. She shared all of this AND introduced us to Ho'oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian prayer used for healing, forgiveness, transformation, inner-peace, and self-love.